Chapter Four: His

It is possible for a grown human to survive without contact with other. It is possible for us to live without love, without compassion, without conversation, and without interaction. It is not preferable. We strive to make those types of connections. We search for them openly. We hope for them. Dream of them. Wish for them. It is possible to live and never love another. That doesn't mean that we will do it.

I don't know how long I just stared forward, without seeing. I have no idea how many tear fell from my eyes in that time. I don't know if I was the only one, but it felt like I had been frozen into the second that he died. A strangled sob on the other side of the phone pulled me back to reality. It gave me a purpose, if only for the moment. It gave me something to focus on. Emmet.

I spoke, my voice cracking and breaking, into the mouth piece of the cell phone. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I heard a slight shifting of clothes on the other end and then a voice.

It was unfamiliar, and low pitched. It had some kind of a calming effect. It may have helped me keep it together if I had been present inside my body, but I was to distanced, to cut off from the world for anything to make me feel better at this point. "I'm here. My name is Eric Yorkie. I am an EMT here in Forks Washington. Are you alright?"

"I need to talk to Emmet. I need to calm him down. Can you please, just give him the phone?" I heard the words. I felt them being formed by my mouth. I felt my vocal cords contracting. All of these things told me I was speaking. I just couldn't put the pieces together in my mind.

I couldn't process the information. I was in some type of shock.

"Miss, he is unresponsive. He is having a panic attack; my partner is tending to him. I'm sorry, he can't talk. Are you sure you are alright? You heard everything; I know it has to be effecting you in some way." He seemed genuinely concerned, but at the moment I didn't give a flying fuck. I wanted, no, I needed to calm Emmet down.

In the background, I could hear some other voice talking to Emmet. I focused on their voice, and his frantic gasping breaths. "Sir, please, I need you to calm down. Sir, take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on Sir..." He kept talking to Emmet. Trying to calm him down. His breaths were getting shorter, more labored. I knew if he didn't calm down soon, he could pass out.

"Eric?" I asked. I knew he was still on the phone.

"I am here, ma'am." He replied very swiftly. His voice was forced calm, and half an octave above what I assumed his normal voice would have been.

"It's Bella, not ma’am, and his name is Emmet. If I can just talk to him, I can clam him down enough for you to take him downstairs." I told Eric. "Put it on speaker phone. Tell him that it is Bella."

I heard some fumbling and then everything was thrown into ear splitting clarity. The shuffling of feet and clothing. The deep calm breaths of the EMT's and the frantic gasping breaths of my best friend as he fought his mind to make what he had seen not real. Right now, Emmet's brain was moving forward into stage two of grief. Anger. He was going to lose it. He was going to do something he regrets if he didn't get calm. He would go from panic attack to trowing things in rage. I had to calm him down.

"Your on speaker phone, Bella." I heard Eric tell me.

"Emmet. It's Bella. I need you. Please Emmet breathe. Please, Em." I heard him take a slightly deeper breathe in an effort to calm down.

I kept talking to Emmet, knowing the other two men could still hear me. "Em, come on. Deep breath's. I need you to tell me that it's alright. I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright. Emmet, please. Em." I heard the sob break from my chest. I felt my eyes fill with the tears of grief. "Emmet, this isn't fair. It isn't fucking right. I need you." I was sobbing uncontrollably by the time I finished talking.

I could hear the catch in his breathing as he spoke to me. "Bella, baby Bella. It is OK. Everything will work itself out. Baby Bella. Shhh. Shush. You're fine my girl. You are going to be just fine."

"This is my fault Em. All my fault. Mine. Mine. This was my fault. Mine. My fault. FUCK! " I screamed out the last word. I was rocking back and forth trying to calm myself. Trying to distance myself again.

"Don't say that. Don't fucking say that Bella. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT." He yelled back at me. No matter how many times people tell me different. It was. All my fault. All for me.

"Emmet?" I asked

"Yes, Bella?" He answered.

"Please don't hate me. S-S-s-sh-she w-wi-will. Sh-She. F-f-fuck, Em. I t-t-took her D-d-daddy." I sobbed. I was supposed to help him. I'll be alright. Pull it together Bella. Get yourself together.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you did not. HE did this. This was HIS choice. NOT yours. NOT YOURS." Emmet practically growled at me. He was wrong.

"Are you okay, Emmet?" I asked, with only the slightest hitch in my breathing. I kept my voice even throughout my speaking as well.

"I am fine baby girl. I am going to let you go for now. I WILL tell Jasper about this. I am sure he will want to come see you. Promise me." He said.

"I can't. Not right now." I pleaded.

"Promise me, Bella." He asked again.

"I can't." I said and I hung up the phone quickly.

I felt a sob break out of my chest. They continued to rip through me as I realized that I had severed the last connection to Edward while he was alive. As my sobs rocked my body I began to hyperventilate. I knew I was going to pass out if I didn't breath. I knew I was going to, but I didn't care. As the blackness crept toward me I welcomed it. I begged for it to take me faster. I whispered to it that I needed it to keep me. I wished for it not to give me back my mind.

My last thoughts before I passed out was me wishing he had waited for me to see him again. I wished that Edward would have not believed me. I wished for the chance to bargain with death himself to save Edward.

Edward, baby. I do love you, have always loved you, and will always love you.