Chapter Four: His

It is possible for a grown human to survive without contact with other. It is possible for us to live without love, without compassion, without conversation, and without interaction. It is not preferable. We strive to make those types of connections. We search for them openly. We hope for them. Dream of them. Wish for them. It is possible to live and never love another. That doesn't mean that we will do it.

I don't know how long I just stared forward, without seeing. I have no idea how many tear fell from my eyes in that time. I don't know if I was the only one, but it felt like I had been frozen into the second that he died. A strangled sob on the other side of the phone pulled me back to reality. It gave me a purpose, if only for the moment. It gave me something to focus on. Emmet.

I spoke, my voice cracking and breaking, into the mouth piece of the cell phone. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I heard a slight shifting of clothes on the other end and then a voice.

It was unfamiliar, and low pitched. It had some kind of a calming effect. It may have helped me keep it together if I had been present inside my body, but I was to distanced, to cut off from the world for anything to make me feel better at this point. "I'm here. My name is Eric Yorkie. I am an EMT here in Forks Washington. Are you alright?"

"I need to talk to Emmet. I need to calm him down. Can you please, just give him the phone?" I heard the words. I felt them being formed by my mouth. I felt my vocal cords contracting. All of these things told me I was speaking. I just couldn't put the pieces together in my mind.

I couldn't process the information. I was in some type of shock.

"Miss, he is unresponsive. He is having a panic attack; my partner is tending to him. I'm sorry, he can't talk. Are you sure you are alright? You heard everything; I know it has to be effecting you in some way." He seemed genuinely concerned, but at the moment I didn't give a flying fuck. I wanted, no, I needed to calm Emmet down.

In the background, I could hear some other voice talking to Emmet. I focused on their voice, and his frantic gasping breaths. "Sir, please, I need you to calm down. Sir, take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on Sir..." He kept talking to Emmet. Trying to calm him down. His breaths were getting shorter, more labored. I knew if he didn't calm down soon, he could pass out.

"Eric?" I asked. I knew he was still on the phone.

"I am here, ma'am." He replied very swiftly. His voice was forced calm, and half an octave above what I assumed his normal voice would have been.

"It's Bella, not ma’am, and his name is Emmet. If I can just talk to him, I can clam him down enough for you to take him downstairs." I told Eric. "Put it on speaker phone. Tell him that it is Bella."

I heard some fumbling and then everything was thrown into ear splitting clarity. The shuffling of feet and clothing. The deep calm breaths of the EMT's and the frantic gasping breaths of my best friend as he fought his mind to make what he had seen not real. Right now, Emmet's brain was moving forward into stage two of grief. Anger. He was going to lose it. He was going to do something he regrets if he didn't get calm. He would go from panic attack to trowing things in rage. I had to calm him down.

"Your on speaker phone, Bella." I heard Eric tell me.

"Emmet. It's Bella. I need you. Please Emmet breathe. Please, Em." I heard him take a slightly deeper breathe in an effort to calm down.

I kept talking to Emmet, knowing the other two men could still hear me. "Em, come on. Deep breath's. I need you to tell me that it's alright. I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright. Emmet, please. Em." I heard the sob break from my chest. I felt my eyes fill with the tears of grief. "Emmet, this isn't fair. It isn't fucking right. I need you." I was sobbing uncontrollably by the time I finished talking.

I could hear the catch in his breathing as he spoke to me. "Bella, baby Bella. It is OK. Everything will work itself out. Baby Bella. Shhh. Shush. You're fine my girl. You are going to be just fine."

"This is my fault Em. All my fault. Mine. Mine. This was my fault. Mine. My fault. FUCK! " I screamed out the last word. I was rocking back and forth trying to calm myself. Trying to distance myself again.

"Don't say that. Don't fucking say that Bella. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT." He yelled back at me. No matter how many times people tell me different. It was. All my fault. All for me.

"Emmet?" I asked

"Yes, Bella?" He answered.

"Please don't hate me. S-S-s-sh-she w-wi-will. Sh-She. F-f-fuck, Em. I t-t-took her D-d-daddy." I sobbed. I was supposed to help him. I'll be alright. Pull it together Bella. Get yourself together.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you did not. HE did this. This was HIS choice. NOT yours. NOT YOURS." Emmet practically growled at me. He was wrong.

"Are you okay, Emmet?" I asked, with only the slightest hitch in my breathing. I kept my voice even throughout my speaking as well.

"I am fine baby girl. I am going to let you go for now. I WILL tell Jasper about this. I am sure he will want to come see you. Promise me." He said.

"I can't. Not right now." I pleaded.

"Promise me, Bella." He asked again.

"I can't." I said and I hung up the phone quickly.

I felt a sob break out of my chest. They continued to rip through me as I realized that I had severed the last connection to Edward while he was alive. As my sobs rocked my body I began to hyperventilate. I knew I was going to pass out if I didn't breath. I knew I was going to, but I didn't care. As the blackness crept toward me I welcomed it. I begged for it to take me faster. I whispered to it that I needed it to keep me. I wished for it not to give me back my mind.

My last thoughts before I passed out was me wishing he had waited for me to see him again. I wished that Edward would have not believed me. I wished for the chance to bargain with death himself to save Edward.

Edward, baby. I do love you, have always loved you, and will always love you.

Chapter Three: Was

As sentient beings we need few things for survival. We need food, sustenance, of some kind. We need water, to keep our bodies hydrated. That is all that a human body needs to maintain life. We look for human connections. We feel like surviving without love is pointless. If it is so pointless, why and I still here?

I was frozen, and I felt nauseous at the sound of his voice. I heard fumbling again, and most of the noises had stopped on the other end. Had it not been for Emmet's panicked breaths, I would have feared the phone hung up, but if the phone had hung up, it would have relieved me as well. He only took me off speaker phone. He always did know me so well. He saw me at my worst; of course he knows what would break me. Well, his plan didn't work for long, I am broken now.

I was once whole. I was at one time happy and healthy. I was in love once. I was alive before. Before what I was died. I was everything I was because of Edward. He made me laugh. He saw me cry. He knew my faults; he felt all of the differences between him and I. Yet he still loved me. Once upon a time when I was not a liar.

I measured my thought, my breaths. I needed to be strong for Emmet, for Edward. There is still a chance he will make it. Even if it is only a slim one that I wont even give any hope to. It sits in the corner of my head, mocking me in ways I never thought possible.

"Bella, tell me what to do!" Emmet said into the phone, gaining my attention again. I didn't have time to give him any answers before I heard him yelling to the EMT's who must have been downstairs. "Up here! The master bedroom! He's up here!" I heard his voice crack on the last word, and I heard the sob break from his throat.

The EMT's who were rushing into the room effectively knocked the phone from Emmet's hand has they buffet him out of their way. From the phones spot on the floor I could hear the stranger's voices as they worked over my everything's body. I heard them speaking, but I couldn't concentrate on their voices. All I could listen to were the gasping breaths being taken so close to the mouth piece. I heard them finally attach the monitors to his body. 'To Edward.' A broken voice from my head affirmed ' He isn't dead yet. It isn't a body yet.'

The mechanical beeping of the machine was erratic. I knew, just as the EMT's did, that his heart was giving out. It was working to hard to pump blood through his body, but no blood was coming back to it. He was bleeding out. I heart the sound go constant, then a loud jolt from Edward. 'No!'

I heard him jolt again.

I started talking into my phone about how much I loved him. I told him I lied to him, that I would do almost anything to have him as my own. I asked him why he was doing this; why he chose to try to end his life. I refused to even think about him succeeding. My talking was interrupted by his again.

''I know you can't hear me Bella. I just want you to know. This is all for you. I love you... Isabella." His words were stretch, and skewed with the effort it took for him to say them. The mechanical sound went flat again. After about thirty seconds I heard one of the strangers voices say "Called it. Eric, call it, he's gone.''

I guess I got my answer didn't I? He chose to die because of me. It wasn't by my hand, I didn't force him to make the cuts physically, but it was still me who made him make the cuts. Me who forced his hand. It was me. Just me. 'All your fault!'

"Time of death..." I blocked out the rest of his sentence. I couldn't take it. It hurt so much, in a way that I could never find words to describe. It hurts to much.


Gone. He was gone.

Stage one of the grief? Disbelief. Denial. This can't be happening. This isn't real.

Chapter Two: He Believed

Broken inside is the new way to be whole. You can always pretend that you aren't missing pieces of the puzzle that is you, but someone will notice. It isn't that easy to hide that much pain. It isn't easy to hide that much guilt.

After I heard the dial tone I closed my phone slowly. I went over every word we said, and I realized that I played the bastard father card. The one that would hurt him the most. If I had even taken a second glance at the cards in my hand, the phone call could have gone so differently.

Why do I always end up hurting him? Oh, right. It's because he wants to leave his daughter and come to me. I couldn't have that on my conscience. I lied to him for her. I wanted the little girl with daddy's eyes to be able to have him in her life. That plan got fucked didn't it?

I made my way through the day as normally as possible. I went to visit my sister, and whoever the hell she was staying with. I got groceries for my mother. But the entire time I couldn't really feel anything but dread. Like right before your crash your car. You know it's coming, and you're just waiting for the final impact.

Honestly the only thing I remember clearly from that day is what happened that night. I had talked to Edward that morning and everything is blurry until about 10 O'clock that night when my best friend in the entire world called me panicked.

I heard his voice but I couldn't comprehend the words at first.

"Bella? Bella!?" he yelled "Are you there?"

I hesitated and breathed out my 'yes'

"Have you talked to Edward today, Bells? I haven't seen him, all day. He didn't come home, and they said he didn't show up for work. Bella? Are you even listening?" Emmet kept going. His panic was growing as he spoke and my silence stretched on.

"We talked this morning." I whispered as a single sob broke through. "I… I told…I"

"It's okay, It'll be fine." I didn't hear his words. I knew Edward. He had a tendency to overreact to any situation. He always tried to overcorrect his mistakes. I had a pretty damn good idea of what he was doing right now.

"Em." I whispered. The tears that were falling down my face were silent ones. I was glad for that, but silence wasn't going to be my reaction for very long.

"Bella, Isabella, you have to tell me where he would go." Emmet had come to the same conclusion that I had. He has to get there!

"The house. He would go to our house. The one that his father bought for us." I said, with my voice gaining back some strength.

"I'm on my way there now Bella. It's all going to be okay. I'll call you when I get there." And then he hung up.

My back slid down the wall as the silent tears continued. I was not a religious person, but I believed in what Edward did. He believed that a person's afterlife is not a trip to the pearly gates, or the fiery pits of hell. He believed that all people, when they died, went to a place that would have been their life's biggest and most fantastic dream. It would be every person's personal Eden. So when you died, you would be where you wanted. There would be no time, nothing would matter. In that place you wait in a timeless state of awareness for the person you love to arrive if you left them first.

I don't know how long it was before my phone rang again to an even more frantic Emmet. "Bella, the doors and windows are locked, there aren't any lights on, but his bike is in the garage. I can't get in, is there a key? I'm not even sure he's here though."

"The key is at my dad's house. It's on top the window sill outside of my old room." I said and when he hung up again I thought about telling him to just break the window. But I didn't.

It was 15 minutes later when he called again. "I'm in, the lights are all off, but I think he might be upstairs." As soon as he said it I knew where he was. The master bed room.

"Master bedroom Em. That's where he is. Hurry"

I heard him run up the stairs and down the hallway to the last door on the left. I heard as he pushed open the door slowly. And then I heard the breathe he had been holding come out in the word 'No.'

I heard fumbling with the phone and then suddenly I was hearing everything. Emmet's hard frantic breathing, and someone's, shallow, almost gasping breaths. I heard it all because I was on speaker phone.

"Bella. Bella tell me what to do, his wrists. There is so much blood." I heard his sobbing and panic.

"Put pressure on the cuts to stop the bleeding Em." I said in an ice cold tone. I no longer had any feelings. I was a shell of a person listen to the man I love die.

"Okay, what now? I already used his cell to call 911." I heard him struggling.

Then I heard something that I didn't expect. I heard my angel talk to me. "I knew you lied to me, you do love me." His voice was breathy and hard to understand. It broke my heart, because it was the truth. "I want to hear you say it, Bee. Say it."

Chapter One: Eden

There was a part of me that when I hung up the phone I knew that he wasn't going to give up. Part of me knew that he saw threw my lies. To this day I can tell you that whatever I told him on the phone, which ever choice I made, I would still be sitting here. I would still be telling you my story. I don't think I would be much happier, but I would feel like I was whole. Like part of my body wasn't torn away and taken somewhere else. Hidden in an Eden that you can only glimpse, and never really see.

This would most likely be easier for you if I told you the story from the beginning. Well for me the beginning of this one is relative. Would it start when I first met my personal Greek God; or would it be when we started dating? Let’s start at the end instead. When I finally lost him, we will start with the phone call.

I was sitting on my bed pondering a piece of paper that was meant for me to draw a picture on. I kept staring, I couldn't tell what was wrong, but I could feel that something wasn't right. I was expecting a call from Edward. It was Tuesday, he always calls. I hadn't seen him since the previous October. Edward and I had dated once, and we broke up when I moved back to Renee's. It had been just over a year since then. I felt the tear break over the brim of my eye, but it was only one. It ran down the contours of my face and landed on my blank paper.

I whipped my face quickly, because crying over the accomplishment I was most proud of was useless. I moved back here to get clean, and I had been, at least from most of it.

Since I had moved, Edward had gotten married quickly in Vegas, so that his child wouldn't be born of sin. At least that was her parents take on the story.

He had a baby girl. She was beautiful. She has his eyes. So now, when I look at her, it breaks my heart that she will never see her daddy's eyes. Not for real anyway.

My cell finally rang. I answered quickly "Hello?"

His voice hadn't changed at all when he answered "Hey, how are you doing today? Anything exciting going on in The Life and Times of Bella Swan?"

After that question and some witty answer I can't remember we spoke for about an hour before he asked the question that I had known was coming for days. Weeks even.

"Bell, this isn't an all or nothing situation. I can be with you, and be there for my daughter too." He all but pleaded

"Edward, you know what I think about this. I don't want her to grow up without a father like you did. Do you want that for her? Do you want her to feel about you how you feel about your father?" I quipped

"Shut up Bee! You know I would just leave her and reappear like Houdini." He didn't send the spit in his voice at me, and I knew that. He hated his father. His father left him when he was 8. He didn't come back until he was 15. Mikkiey had let his Aunt and Uncle take care of his younger brother, since his mother wasn't much of a Mom.

"No, but Tanya would make it seem that way to her. Do you really think that she would let you come and be with me without consequence? If you do, you don't know your wife." I asked. I felt the tears and heart ache for what I was about to do. I held it back, but just barely.

"Bee, I need you. We are supposed to be together. You know it. In the beginning, the phone calls were enough, but now they aren't. Bee I still love you." The tears that welled up now were fear. What if I can't do it? What if I can't hurt him to save a little girl who never asked to come to this world from being hurt? I have loved the little girl because she is a part of him, no matter who else she is part of.

"Well, I don't think I can trust you enough to love you again." Please call my lies. "I don't love you like I used to Edward." It hurts, I do love you. I always will. I am sorry baby. "I don't want you to be with me. I want you to be with your family."

"You are my family… No matter what happens Bee, we will be together in the end. I promise. I do still love you. It's all for you." And he hung up the phone